Humanity

Today I lost all faith in humanity
I can no longer empathise with those who try to destroy me, as all I can feel is numb. I can no longer carry on as if everything is going to be okay, as I know that nothing will ever be okay again. All I can do is pour more pain onto my misery, drink myself into oblivion, and try to make my body as numb to the outside world as my mind has become. I don't want to be depressed, I don't want to have to sit here on my own, but it is the only thing that will keep me sane in these days of terror. I can change myself and try to be something else, to cover up the girl inside, and try to make it appear that I am the one who is strong and who will always be there for everyone. Right now I simply cant be bothered. The person who is supposed to love me over and above everyone else doesn't even want me to be the centre of his universe.
Is suicide contagious? I hope not. I want to die young, but for a cause other than apathy. Now is not the time and here is most certainly not the place, I want to slip away unnoticed, leaving my effect but not any scars. I don't want people to watch at the windows as I get carried away by the ambulance. I've stood out all my life, in death I want to be sweeter and more subtle.
'I hurt myself to hide myself'
I can smell him on my sheets, and feel his hand run down my spine as I alone fake what's not mine, a smile, a face that rings with pleasure, not with terror, images of me alone make me feel like there has to be more than this. So I invent it. For as long as I can remember I have been picking up the pieces of my life, and now I am making my own pieces. I cut my arms to release the pressure, but I don't tell anyone, I don't want them to know and to try and help me as I am beyond help and I don't deserve it anyway. I think that tomorrow will be a better day, I think I will be able to drag myself out of bed, and change myself into the new me. Someone who is proud to be alone and use others to my own ends. I always want what I can't have, and now physical attraction has made it harder. Hell, I don't want to be good, so I may as well be bad.
Thank you and goodnight
(25/4/97)